Harry Potter and the Slightly Unbalanced HouseElf
by Zoken
Summary: What is the Power the Dark Lord knows not? I think it's the love of a slightly unbalanced houseelf and an overprotective Owl. Watch as Dobby and Hedwig protect poor little Harry
1. How To Escape from Privet Drive Without

How to Escape Privet Drive during a death eater attack without breaking a sweat:

the explosion down stairs had woken Harry instantly. He peered down the stairs and saw the men in black cloaks and white masks filing in. "So much for the damn blood wards," Harry muttered to himself bitterly. He hid in his room as the Dursley's stormed down stairs/died.

"I need help..." Harry thought. "I need..."

"Does Master Harry Potter sir need helps?" asked a squeaky voice as Dobby appeared with a pop.

"Dobby!" Harry yelped in shock. "There are eight Death Eaters downstairs. They're here to kill me, I need you to..." But Harry couldn't finish asking the House-Elf to go for help because Dobby suddenly got a fierce look in his eyes. 

"Says no more, Master Harry Potter, sir. Dobby will gets rid of the bad-wizards!" the house-elf pointed at Harry's bedroom door and it exploded outwards with more force the front door had. The little house-elf charged down stairs. Harry, believing Dobby was doomed, quickly scribbled the word "Help" on a scrap of paper and gave it to Hedwig.

"Wake up, girl," Harry urged quietly. "I need you to take this to the Order, the house is under attack."

"Hoot?" inquired the owl curiously.

"Attack… Dobby the house-elf is down there right now… I'm afraid for him."

"Hoot-hoot!" replied Hedwig indignantly.

"NO!" Harry pleaded as Hedwig opened her wings and swept out the door the way Dobby had gone.

Harry said a silent prayer for his two friends. Despite Dobby's odd definition of "saving" Harry, Harry rather liked him. And Hedwig was, after all, one of his first and most constant friends in the world. What could he possibly do without her? Then he heard the oddest sounds from the hallway.

When the Order arrived on the scene they were shocked. #4 Privet drive was littered with bodies. They stepped over three death eaters just to get through the door. They looked in the kitchen to see the Dursley's were dead in the kitchen. Sitting on top of Vernon Dursley's huge belly was Hedwig, who was thoroughly enjoying her meal of silver-handed rat. They stepped over another four on their way up the stairs. When they got to Harry's room they stepped over another body in the doorway, one that Albus regrettably noted was missing some limbs, and saw Harry sitting on the bed eating popcorn as he watched Dobby and the last death eater.

"Who is you's master?" growled the little elf dangerously.

"m-m-m-m-m.." stammered the poor beaten, broken, pitiable excuse for a bad guy. 

There was a sickening crunch as Dobby pointed at the man's knee. "WHO IS YOU'S MASTER!" Dobby yelled again. 

"P-POTTER! HARRY POTTER!" screamed the Death eater. 

Dobby delivered another smack to the man's face and growled, "Don'ts be forgetsing!"

Harry applauded loudly, which caused the House-elf to twist his ears bashfully. When they noticed the group, Dobby banished the blood from his pillowcase and bowed. "May Dobby be getting Master Harry Potter's guest foods and Treatsies?"

"N-no thanks," stammered Tonks, who had never been more afraid of a being in her life.

"Can I have some water please?" Harry asked Dobby calmly.

"Rights away, Master Harry Potter, sirs!" Dobby said, popping away. 

"Harry," Dumbldore asked. "What did you do to these men?"

"Nothing," Harry said simply. "Dobby and Hedwig did it all."

"A House-elf and an owl slaughtered a Death eater hit squad?" Moody growled skeptically.

"I guess slaughter was the best word of it," Harry nodded as Dobby popped back in.

"Sorry it tooks so long, Master Harry Potter sir," Dobby bowed. "Dobby is getting Master Harry Potter sir's water from springs in Tibets. This houses waters is not fits for Master Harry Potter Sir." 

"You are such a good house-elf," Harry said with a smile. Dobby began leaping for joy.

"Did... did Dobby torture all of them like that?" asked Albus.

"Oh, no," Harry waved his hand dismissively as Dobby began to be embarrassed. "Just the ones that survived the first encounter." Harry reached down and pulled off the masks.

"Bellatrix and Lucious Malfoy?" gasped Snape.

"Oh yeah," Harry nodded, prodding the now passed out Malfoy with his foot. "You should have seen what Dobby did to Bellatrix. Got her to declare her undying faith in Sirius, and her eternal love of Muggles everywhere." he prodded Bellatrix, a bit harder than he had Malfoy. "You know... before she passed out from the pain and blood loss." 

"But house-elves can't kill humans," said Remus in a stunned whisper. "Unless the home is under attack... which by your testimony was done by the time he started on these two." 

"Oh," Dobby piped up. "Master Lupies would be suprised what wizards can lives through."

Just then, Hedwig soared back in and landed on Harry Potter's shoulder. "Who's the best owl in the world?" he cooed to her. "You are… I have to remember to get Hagrid something really great. You are the best owl, yes you are."

"Hoot-hoot," Hedwig replied with a smug nod.

Now, Albus Dumbldore was a master of many languages, including Owl-ish. He was able to translate this comment as; "Damn straight"


	2. I Told You So

I Told You So

Harry walked down the stairs with an almost, but not quite, smug air about him. "Thank goodness I was in Privet drive yesterday," he mocked again.

Ron rolled his eyes as he grinned, but it re-sparked a fury in Hermione every time he mentioned it. Order members had quickly learned to back away from the clever witch quickly.

"I mean, who could have protected me better than the Burnt Duck Club?" he chuckled again. "No offense Fawkes," Harry added to the phoenix who had taken to hanging out in the basement kitchen of Number Twelve Grimauld place and pecking any Order members who strayed to close to his perch on a chair. Fawkes had not yet pecked Molly, but whether this was due to the fact that she wasn't an official Order member, or she had been heard threatening to cook him was unknown.

Fawkes trilled a dismissive tone as he arched his neck to take a stab at a passing Tonks. Tonks leapt out of the way, only to fall over a chair.

"Would Master Harry Potter, sir, likes some breakyfast?" asked Dobby, who had followed from Privet Drive. Dobby and Hedwig had been near inseparable for the last day or so. Dobby still wore the innumerable hats that Hermione had knitted. Atop the last hat, Hedwig perched, looking particularly smug.

"Please, and thank you," Harry said as he sat down.

The Headmaster, who had already endured one night of Harry's comments, frowned as he sat down as far away from Fawkes as he could.

"And Thank goodness, the blood-wards protected me," Harry added. "Kept me all nice and hidden, didn't they Hedwig."

"Hoot," uttered Hedwig darkly as her amber eyes turned on Dumbledore.

"Always knew you shouldn't have been sent there," Molly sniffed as she sat down at the table. "Horrid muggles, those. I don't like to speak ill of your family Harry but…"

"Oh, please," Harry invited. "It's my favorite past time, speaking ill of the Dursleys.

"That reminds Dobby," chirped the House-Elf brightly. "Dobby has almost finished the dance-floors, but why is Master Harry Potter sirs only dancing on the biggest one?"

"Petunia took me in," Harry muttered as he took a bite of the eggs Dobby had put down in front of him. "And Dudley was what his parents raised him to be."

"You're being relatively mature about that," Hermione noticed. "I mean, not about dancing on your Uncle's graves, but about not dancing on Petunia and Dudley's."

"It's the survival glee," Harry dismissed, "It won't last long."

"Harry," Hermione asked skeptically. "Is there something you wanted to tell me?" Hermione threw a glance at Dobby who was serving her, then a pointed one back at Harry.

"He told me his deepest desire was to be my House-elf," Harry shrugged. "Who am I to deny a person their deepest desire? Besides, I've expressly forbid Dobby from ever punishing himself, endangering himself because of my orders or, doing anything that frightens him. He is given a maintenance allowance, which allows him to continue wearing clothes, but ones he buys. And I told him that if I ever catch him working sick, I'll make him take days of work equal to twice his infirm."

Hermione looked taken aback. "Oh…" she slipped. "I was talking about the hats."

"Oh," Dobby chirped, and twisted an ear in embarrassment. "Dobby is taking them because no other house elves is wanting to clean Gryffindors tower. Theys is being mad that a witchs is trying to tricks them. They is insulted."

"Oh…" Hermione sighed. Hedwig flapped and landed on the floor by Dobby, and hooted quickly in his ear. Both Dobby and Hedwig cast conspiratorial glances at Harry and Hermione, who looked at each other warily.

"I received some interesting information today," Albus said, trying to ease the tension. "Molly, this should make you happy. Fred and George told me that they no longer wished to join the Order of the Phoenix."

"Take it from me, Professor," Molly replied as she conjured a chair for Dobby. "When the Twins do something unexpected, it is rarely something that everyone can be happy about.

As if hearing their cue, which they probably were waiting for, the Twins descended the stairs in matching robes of lurid green and eye-offending purple. The green robes had purple writing on them. They read "SSotMHSaBSO"

"Do we even want to know?" asked Arthur, who had come in behind his sons.

George, with the air of a village announcer, called,"Family, we no longer wish to join the Order of the Phoenix, and officially invite you all to join the 'Sacred Sect of the Marauding House-Elf and Blood-Stained Owl,' or 'Sot' for short."

"Do we have to wear robes like that?" asked Harry.

"Oh, no," Fred dismissed.

"For our favorite Leader, you get Purple robes orange writing." George continued.

"And what are your aims?" asked Dumbledore in and interested tone.

"Spreading mayhem and humiliation to ponces, pretenders, gits, goons, and dark lords," they announced in unison.

Molly crossed herself and muttered, "Going to be cursed in the sleep, the both of them."

"Aw, Mum," started Fred.

"Don't have any confidence in use, do you?" asked George.

"The less people fear the Dark Pretender," Fred explained. "The less power he has."

"We want to do a whole series of things that will really make him a laughing stock," George added. "Problem is we don't know anything about him."

"He's a half-blood," Harry said evenly. "And is terribly afraid of dying."

"Is real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle," Dumbledore added, trying to have fun with this.

"Hmm…" Fred turned to George. They began to talk over each other so quickly that others could only catch bits and pieces clearly, yet they seemed to understand each other completely. "Mock the middle name", "toilet seat", "With a dung-bomb", "the greatest burger". After a few minutes the stopped, smiled darkly, and shook hands.

"Harry, mate," Fred said, no leaning over Harry's shoulder. "Could we have your permission to market a few items bearing your name?"

"Only if they are absolutely humiliating to Voldemort and Death Eaters.

"Oh, done in an instant," George agreed giddily. They quickly made their way out of the room, after grabbing toast from Tonks' and Dumbledore's plates.

After the door closed, a set of robes dropped onto Harry, Hermione, and Ron. As they pulled them down, they discovered them to be Sot robes. Harry's, as the twins had promised, was an eye-offending purple, with traffic-cone-orange writing. Ron and Hermione's were the same color as the twins' robes. Hermione's, however, came with a note. "Any witch who wishes to take the position of consort to the Grand Puba (Harry Potter) of the Sacred Sect of the Marauding House Elf and Blood-Stained Owl, will be issued pink robes with purple writing." Hermione blushed, but slipped the note into her pocket.

"Well, Harry, I believe it's time you clear out," Dumbledore said, checking his watch. "An Order meeting is about to begin, and the members should be arriving soon."

"You can'ts give orders in Master Harry Potter, sirs, House!" Dobby shouted.

There was a moment of ringing silence. "My house?" asked Harry curiously.

"Yes, Master Harry Potter, sir," Dobby confirmed. "This is you's House."

Eyes this time shot toward the Headmaster, who was looking rather intently at a crack in the ceiling. "Professor," Molly issued through clenched teeth.

"Ah, yes… well, em… The thing of it is that Harry received almost everything Sirius left behind. Including this house… and Kreacher… and a great deal of money…" The Headmaster had gotten up now and was slowly backing away. "And the bike… and this book… BYE!" with a swirl of cloak, Dumbledore was gone.

Harry looked at the book that had landed on the table. "The Incredibly Convenient Guide to Amazingly Advanced Spells that Surprisingly a Mediocre Sixth Year Student Can Do." Harry looked at Hermione who's hands were already trying to get at the book, but was trying not to be rude and snatch it away as it did belong to Harry."

"Dobby has also found Master Siri's special trunk," Dobby added.

Harry looked down with a questioning glance, but it was a newly arrived Remus who answered. "Remus called it his Duex Ex Machina trunk. It had a spare room in it, several separate compartments, complete with impossible auto-fitting clothes."

"huh," Harry grunted. "Well that's convenient."

"Never really understood why he bought it," Remus said as he thought about at it.

"Doesn't matter," Harry said brightly. "I hereby ban Severus Snape from entering this house…" Hermione gave him a glare, and Harry quickly amended, "Unless he has clean hair."

Hermione nodded a begrudging approval. "so, now that you are unspeakably rich," she said. "what are you going to do for a living once you graduate?"

"Who said I was unspeakably rich?" asked Harry in confusion.

"That's just how things work," she replied, as if it were something best left un-discussed.

"I'm going to buy the Holyhead Harpies and join the team," Harry said proudly. "once I graduate," he amended to another glare form Hermione.

"What about the Cannons?" Ron asked.

"Harpies are all female mate," Harry told Ron.

"So?" asked Ron, confusedly.

Remus and Harry both face-palmed, while Hermione rolled her eyes.

A loud screeching was heard from the entrance hall as Hagrid called out his arrival. He stumped into the kitchen with an amiable smile. "Thank ye' Harry, fer the new coat and hat… but these muggle styles are a bit… rich." Hagrid was wearing the floor length white fur coat, and matching fedora, which had a long purple feather tucked into the leopard print band. "An'the sunglasses… Harry, i's all a bit much."

Hermione, who looked incredulously at the outfit Harry had gotten Hagrid, simply gaped as Harry dismissed it. "For the guy who got me Hedwig, nothing is too good."

The screaming from the entrance hall continued. Harry turned to Remus. "Professor Lupin, am I correct in assuming that the ministry can't detect magic here?"

"yes," Remus said tentatively. "But I would advise you not to do anything too drastic."

"Nothing too drastic," Harry replied as he drew his wand and walked to the entrance hall with a wicked look in his eyes. "I'm just going to introduce Mrs. Black to a friend of mine."

From the entrance hall, they heard Harry call over Mrs. Black's shouts. "Time to meet Mr. Fire!"


	3. What Rhymes with Mort?

What rhymes with Morts?

As Molly had expected, not everyone was going to be happy with the Twins' decision. Two days after they had announced the formation of "Sot" the group had gone shopping in Diagon Alley. Ginny insisted they all wear their Sot robes. To Hermione's surprise, Ginny's robes were in fact pink with purple writing.

Now, Hermione wasn't surprised that Ginny wanted to be Harry's consort. Hermione had known that Ginny had an unhealthy fixation on Harry, but hid it with generally loose behavior. Hermione was shocked that the Twins would allow Ginny to be Harry's consort. Hermione gripped the bridge of her knows, believing that now Ginny would be wanting to share Harry's bed, and Harry didn't even know about the consort thing yet.

Harry realized, as they walked through Diagon Alley, that the Twins must have asked Ginny to convince them all to wear their robes because the alley was awash with Sot robes. Others were wearing what appeared to be furry boxers on the outside of their clothes. Some had large blue bumps all over their faces and arms. They would point at each other and laugh. Even a few adults were sporting these odd items.

Tonks, who was meeting them there showed up in pink Sot robes and pulled them off to show off her furry green boxers. Harry and Ron were revived quickly, and they pressed on.

They entered the twins shop, and quickly found answers to many, many questions… some questions they didn't want answered, but they got the answer anyway. The twins had put out products such as "Moldy Shorts", "Coldy-Warts", and a book entitled "Oldie Torts." Molly shook her head. They also had posters declaring Tom Riddle "Half-Blood Heart Throb" and an entire section devoted to Sot, including a chest for new members which included a handbook, set of robes, two rubber chickens and special magical contract. All that was required was for the person to back Harry Potter in some manner (financially was sufficient because all purchases went into the coffers of Sot) and to insult a specific Death Eater or suspected Death Eater once a month. The twins refused to explain the purpose of the rubber chickens.

Hermione finally pulled Fred off from the crowd. "Why did you make your sister a consort of Harry?"

"Well, when we told her we were looking to get Harry a girl…" Fred trailed off.

"What?" asked Hermione.

"Sorry, used to having George finish things off for me," Fred explained. "Anyway, She demanded to be one of the Grand Puba's Consorts. We wanted to tell her 'no'…." he trailed off again.

"GEORGE ISN'T HERE!" she shouted at him in whisper.

"Sorry, sorry," Fred winced. He knew what Hermione could do when she got angry. "Anyway, she demanded we said no to protect Harry, she threatened, we caved."

"You let your sister threaten you?" Hermione almost laughed.

"You haven't lived with the horror," Fred replied, on the verge of tears. "N-n-kneasles, EVERYWHERE!"

Hermione stepped back, allowed the twin to have his break down and then stepped forward. "What does being a consort entail?" she asked.

"Basically it just mean's you're his girlfriend… even if he doesn't know it yet," Fred smiled evily.

At that precise moment, Harry's voice cracked above the crowds. "CONSORTS!"

"And you can't be un-consort-ed" Fred added.

"Oh, dear," Hermione face palmed as she headed back to their group.

"Hermione!" Harry yelped. "They made some of the girls consorts… I SWEAR I DIDN'T… hey, why aren't you one?"

"Why would I be?" she asked dangerously.

"Well… I thought… you know… you liked me," He blushed slightly.

She gave him a quick thump on the head. "Harry, you're like a brother to me, that's gross."

"Yeah," Ron chimed smugly, sliding his arm around Hermione's waist.

"Remove it or I'll hex you," Hermione chimed in an almost singsong voice. "I'm still seeing Viktor… what, did you guys think I broke up with him because he went back home?"

The entire entourage chorused, "Yeah."

"Please," Hermione protested. "I'm not Ginny."

"Um," Harry interrupted. "Speaking of which…" Ginny had latched onto his arm as soon as Hermione had said she wasn't interested in him. "Ginny, I like you and all… but as a friend… sister really… a sister who looks far too much like my mother."

Ginny refused to hear a word of it.

"Crap," Harry sighed as Mrs. Weasley pried her daughter from his arm. "I wish I were old enough to drink," Harry sighed.

"You're old enough to have a bunch of one night stands with girls already committed to being your consort," Tonks suggested, plucking at her pink robes pointedly.

"Who else do we have?" Harry asked, hiding behind Tonks as soon as the red-head was off his arm.

"Me, the female Gryffindors from your year, Luna Lovegood, and a couple of Hufflepuffs from your year," Tonks summarized. "Oh, and Angelina Johnson. She's looking to recruit the rest of the Harpies."

"WHOO HOO!" Harry gave a small victory dance. "I'm rich, I have a harem, and I have a ton of stuff my God-father left me. What could possibly go wrong."

"Harry," Remus asked out of curiosity. "Do you know about sex?"

"Se-what-now?" asked Harry. "What is this 'Sex' you speak of?"

"Oh, this will be fun," chuckled Fred.

"Let me tell him!" Tonks chimed. "I'll use visual aids."

* * *

Elsewhere…

"Thanks for coming Nars," Bellatrix greeted her sister using the most annoying nickname she'd ever come up with.

"Tricks," Narcissa greeted, equally as coldly. "Did you receive the Robes in the mail as well?" Narsissa asked.

"Some old house-elf dropped them off. I'd already blown his head off when I realized it was Auntie's old elf… Kree-something." She examined the pink robes. "What the hell is this nonsense?"

"As far as I can tell," Narcissa proffered the handbook. "They are the official robes for a Consort to the Grand Puba of the Secret Sect of the Marauding House-Elf and Blood-Stained Owl. Some sort of Potter fan club." She sneered as she said the name "Potter". "Near as I can tell, putting on the robes forms a binding contract to services the boy in way he wishes.

"Oh…" Bellatrix replied, color suddenly draining form her face. "Damnit."

"You put them on?" Narcissa asked in disbelief.

"Well…" Bellatrix argued back. "Pink is my color."

"You do realize, as I said, that you now must do whatever the Potter-brat wishes."

"Shut up," Bellatrix grunted.

"Wait," Narcissa hushed as she went through the package Bellatrix had gotten. "There's another item here…" She pulled out one of the Riddle posters.

"Does that mean…?" asked Bellatrix.

"That Potter is closer to being a pure-blood than the Dark Lord…" Narcissa replied. "Well, I still wouldn't want to be tethered to him."

"Nars?" Bellatrix called.

Narcissa turned toward her sister only to find a piece of cloth flying at her. As she struggle to get the thing out of her face, she eventually had to shove what appeared to be a robe down around her. When she was finally righted she looked down. "Damn you Trixie," Narcissa growled. Bellatrix had banished Narcissa's Sot robe right at her.

* * *

"And it wouldn't be Statutory rape how?" asked Gwenogg Jones.

"Oh it would be," Angelina replied. "But trust me," she added. "It would be worth it.

"What do you mean?" asked nameless-Harpy #2

"There's this one-way hole in the shower stalls in the Gryffindor Quidditch changing rooms. Girls can see through, but boys can't," Angelina explained. "It's like an elephant's trunk."

"How's his use?" asked nameless-Harpy- #5

"Um… Actually, I think he's a virgin."

"Still," Gwenogg contemplated. "That big… you don't need to know a whole lot…"

"And what he does need to know," Angelina added. "We can teach him… over, and over, and over."

As they were headed home, Harry rubbed his scar. "Wow… I just got a sudden wave of dread," he told Hermione. "But it had nothing to do with my scar…"


End file.
